Question: After how many dates do you have sex?

Question: After how many dates do you have sex?

Name: kate
Question: After how many dates do you have sex? I know there is no right answer for this., but I am Dv707008_1 confused about this one. Some said that, if a guy is serious about exploring a relationship with you, he wouldn't want to rush into having sex with you (e.g. on the first three dates).  Waiting for a month or so is good to learn more about each other.  Others have said that if the girl is not ready to have sex within the first 3 or 4 dates, the guy will move on.  Some others have said that if the guy is not eager to have sex you in the beginning, he may have physiological problems.  What is your advise, the wise one?   |Age: 23

 

If he's attracted to you, haguy is always going to want to have sex with you. If they're serious about you they will hold off. I don't care what Craig or anyone else says….most guys are not socially or emotionally evolved enough to NOT freak out or judge a woman for having sex with them on the first date. I can only think of four reasons why a guy would put off having sex with a woman:

  • He likes her and wants to take things slow
  • He likes but isn't sure if he's attracted enough to her to have sex with her
  • He can tell the woman is more in to him than he is in to her
  • He's insecure about his sexual performance

I don't agree that a guy will walk if a woman doesn't put out after 3 or 4 dates. If it's the right woman a guy will wait for months. Well, maybe not months, but you get what I'm saying. If he likes you, he'll wait. But there's a line between "she wants to make sure she doesn't get hurt" holding off and "this chick is playing a game" holding off. Guys can discern between the two and, if they think it's the latter, they probably will move on. So, if you do decide to wait make sure it's for the right reasons. Don't do it because you think you're supposed to or because you think he needs to spend X amount of money on you or because you want to play hard to get. Hold off because that's what feels right to you and that's what makes you feel comfortable. But make sure to explain that to him. Guy's egos are fragile. They'll assume you're just not in to them. Or, if they're angry dudes, they'll think you're playing a game because they can't bare to admit that maybe you're just not attracted to them.

My personal thought on this subject? Don't have sex until you've established a pattern of seeing each other and communicating. Don't do it until you are sure your expectations are spot on and not setting you up for dissappoinment. In other words? Wait at least 4-5 dates. Kiss, touch, fool around until then. (Though, if you're going to go down on him/let him go down on you,  you might as well sleep with him.)  Bottom Line? Express Yourself. Tell him what you're looking for. Ask him if he can give that to you. Then and only then should you sleep with him.

Comments

To me, it all depends on the guy. I've been on multiple dates with some guys and never slept with them. However, I will say that if I don't WANT to sleep with the guy on the first date, I don't usually have a second date with him. If there is no chemistry, I feel like it would be unfairly leading him on.

This is pretty self-revealing, but I actually did something I NEVER do…I slept with my boyfriend on our first date (that was over a year ago). Then we went on about ten more dates and didn't have sex on any of them. By the time we had sex again, we were in an exclusive relationship.

I didn't regret sleeping with him, ever, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, it just felt like it would be okay. But 99% of the time, I just don't feel comfortable enough with a guy to let my guard down that fast.

It might have helped that we met online and had talked a great deal by e-mail and phone before we ever met. I knew we were sympatico with what we were looking for and our life experiences before we ever met. The only real issue was whether we would connect when we met face to face.

It wasn't the way I would advise someone to go, necessarily, because normally I would not even consider having sex with a guy on the first date. It was just a special connection we'd made.

I don't judge a girl or decide if I want something serious with her based on whether or not she slept with me on the first date. Like most men, I'd want that but this won't help or hurt her. I let everything else but that make up my mind (unless she's just horrible in bed, which has never happened).

I will however walk if I feel like a girl is purposely holding off for too long because she feels like she has to in order to follow some rule she read about in some magazine.

The most serious relationships I've had were both with girls I slept with one the first date–a 6 year relationship starting in college and a 2 year relationship a couple of years after that.

I think a guy that really likes you won't try to bag you on the first date. They'll want to show you that they admire, appreciate, and respect you. When two people sleep together on the first date, it brings into question an enormous amount of questions and assumptions:

Guy
Does she do this with other guys? If I stick with her and she's a slut, I look like a fool.

Girl
Does this guy really like me, or did he just want to get in my pants? I might like this guy and he only thinks of me as a booty call.

That's the problem of first date sex. The two people don't really know each other, and the chemistry between the two could be a mixture of physical attraction and lust.

It also depends on how the two have come together. If you were strangers and met each other at the market, first date sex might not do the trick for a relationship. If you guys have known each other, started liking each other, and then decided to finally go out, first date sex may be the entre to a great relationship.

I had a girlfriend that I had sex with on the first date, and we actually wound up not having sex again until the 5-6th date. The pressure was off, so I didn't have to seek it from her. Mind you, I had known her for 5 years up to that point as a friend.

Don't set a time limit for the sex. It sounds to me like you want to give this guy some booty. So if you think he's worth it, give it up girl!

By the way, who made up the 3rd date sex rule?

"He likes but isn't sure if he's attracted enough to her to have sex with her" I'll agree with your other three reasons, but except with online dating (where the first date is the first time you see each other), the guy wouldn't have asked her out if he wasn't attracted enough to sleep with her. That's _why_ we ask women out.

"If they're serious about you they will hold off." Well, if I'm really into a girl I won't push, but if the lust is mutual I'm not going to tell a girl no just because it's a first date. I have no problem waiting if I'm really into her _as long as I'm getting signs she wants it just as much as I do_. It'll happen whenever things feel right; for some pairings that may be the first date and for some it may be the tenth. Just don't wait for the sake of waiting; have a genuine reason for waiting and we'll respect that (and you) if we're interested in more than just sex.

"most guys are not socially or emotionally evolved enough to NOT freak out or judge a woman for having sex with them on the first date" But would you be so interested in one of those socially or emotionally unevolved men that you want to sleep with them on the first date? I doubt it. The reality is that men already know whether they respect a woman or not long before sex. The sex itself doesn't change that opinion; it just reveals what he was already thinking. That's why it _looks_ to the woman like the sex was the cause of him not respecting her — but it's not.

It totally depends on the guy. A simple rule will not work. Some guys will judge you on having sex on the first date – most will not. Some guys will leave after the 3rd or 4th if they don't get something – some earlier.

CR is correct about "He likes but isn't sure if he's attracted enough to her to have sex with her" is going to be pretty exclusively for first meetings (e.g. blind dates, internet dates).

The really best advice is to avoid the games. After that I would say go with what seems right given the situation at hand.

i hate the rules of the game. on my last first date, we got absolutely wasted and had sex. that was 3 years ago and now we're happily married. do what you want to do when you want to do it. If it's meant to work out in the long run it won't matter when you first have sex.

If you're thinking that sex will ruin things it's probably because there's something you're sensing isn't right between you and whichever guy it is that you're contemplating having sex with. If you have a bad feeling, hold off to see if you're right. If everything feels good, go for it!

I agree with the others that waiting just for the sake of waiting is never a good idea. Just remember that if it's the right guy, there's little you can do to screw things up (no pun intended!) :)

I think it comes down to whether the woman has good judgement about men/people do people she thinks are good generally turn out to be good? She should go with her feelings. Do people she thinks are good turn out to be users? Wait a while.
I'm another woman had first date sex with her future husband. It worked out beautifully.

 

 

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